This isn’t something I talk about very often.  I have a problem, and it’s been difficult to admit it and get help because frankly I don’t want to stop streaking.  It’s such a rush to feel the air hitting my genitalia as I sprint through large sporting venues.

I still remember my first streaking experience.  I was 9 and it was a Nascar event, the Budweiser shootout.  Disguised as a junior mechanic, I snuck into the driver’s area and around lap 7, I tore across the track wearing only my “Um How’s Yer Bush?” bedazzled cheerleading bloomers.  Even at the age of 9, I thought it was a clever homage to Budweiser, and my uncle swore I’d make it on TV with that shirt on.  Turns out, he was right.  I was the pedofile’s pinup dream child, and the fame made me dizzy.

 I did feel bad that my streaking caused a pretty bad car crash on the track, but the fireball only made me want to take it more seriously.  I didn’t want the two drivers’ deaths to mean nothing.

It wasn’t until I was 15 that I developed the nerves to streak totally naked.  Up until then I’d worn either nipple clamps or medical underwear (made of paper), but when I was 15, I decided I needed to step it up - in terms of hygeine it was regular waxings of my eyebrows and mustache.  My family also decided that, depending on the sporting event, I would have my bush trimmed up like a topiary tree to represent the sport, so sometimes it would be in the shape of a football, somtimes of a hockey mask, etc.

I also decided to train harder than ever so I wouldn’t be tackled so easily by security.  My family hired a personal trainer for me, and we did sit-ups and agility exercises to develop strength and confidence.  They also practiced water boarding me so I wouldn’t tell the authorities anything if I was captured.

It sure didn’t feel good to get cold-cocked by one of the pro athletes.  I remember back in about ‘92 when I streaked during an Oakland A’s game.  Canseco was on first, and he decked me in the face so hard blood started pouring out my nose.  I still tried to stumble to second base though, even with the blood everywhere.  I looked like someone out of the Manson family.  Only years later did I realize it must have been the juice talking, because the Jose I know would never have roughed me up in public, only during our love-making sessions. 

Anyhow, I don’t know why some pro athletes started taking it upon themselves to fight streakers instead of appreciate them.  Once during a USA women’s hockey match, I tore out onto the ice, wanting to stop the flow of the game.  We were getting hammered by the Canadian women.  But instead of cheering me on or even protecting me, Team USA’s right winger deflowered me with her hockey stick.  It was pretty painful.  I couldn’t ride horseback for like 3 weeks.  I’ve stayed away from women’s hockey ever since then - it’s too dangerous.

My last streaking event was at Wimbleton.  Because of “Anna’s Law,” streakers now face tougher penalties than ever before.  Stupid Anna Kournikova fought for justice after a streaker/flasher urinated on her tennis bag, and now there’s a law named after her.  Anyone caught streaking has to do community service (not my style) and has to pay a $5000 fine.  Count me out. 

Thanks for nothing Kournikova.   

A final tribute to my glory days:

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I’ve got two questions here.  First, is he after lactating women?  Second, is he handing out health insurance to the “right person”?  My dental insurance is shit, and I could use benefits like this.

1. Making LSD-Goodies . . . for the 5-0

This eyebrow-heavy Texas kid delivered fresh baked LSD Cookies to some police stations in his area.  He claimed he didn’t mean any harm; he just wanted the officers to feel like thousands of giant rats were crawling all over their faces and private parts.  I can’t fault him; it is a wonderful sensation. 

2. Foot Odor Can Cause Death

Something must be in the water in Texas, because a 23-year-old Houston man fatally stabbed his roommate over his smelly feet.  William Serrano attacked his housemate with a sharp blade 16 times before he finally passed out from inhaling the putrid stench of rotten egg and curdled toe jam.  Interesting to note, however, that he never once stabbed his roommate’s feet.  

3. Airline Passengers Give Bronx Cheer!

Passengers on board an American Airlines flight from Miami to New York got pretty hostile when the flight crew arrived late.  They expressed their frustration in various ways, including giving the crew powerful “Bronx cheers.”  The flight attendants and pilots felt it was an angry mob-like environment and canceled the flight.  Everyone’s bag was lost.  Seriously.  

4. Honor Killing Still Not Allowed In US

This Georgia man totally forgot he doesn’t live in Pakistan anymore and he “honor-killed” his daughter because she wanted to get out of her arranged marriage.  I love that when police arrived to question him about it, he said “he was ‘very disturbed’ and ‘not in a state of mind’ to talk because of the death of his daughter, Sandeela Kanwal.” 

Incidentally, stay tuned for my blog about how I “honor-killed” my ex-boyfriend when he chose to leave me for another woman.  You don’t have to be from like Pakistan to honor-kill someone, do you?  Shit.

5. Lookout Bitches!  Woman Gets Her UFC On, Tries To Fight Everyone

I’m certain there was no alcohol involved in this story.  After watching a UFC fight at a party, a 20-year-old Washington woman “tried to fight everyone in the room.”  Her boyfriend then took control of the situation,  and began violently beating her.  Then the two of them left the party together and drove to 7-11 in his white car.  Oh, to be young and in love like that again!

Last night I went to a strip club to celebrate my nephew’s 12th birthday.  He was born with fetal syndrome, so he looks old for a seventh grader.

The kid boner’d out about an hour in.  He had to go wait back in the van and keep his stiffy elevated.  But I decided to stay since it was still happy hour.  I guess I got pretty drunk.  Those after-birth shots are delicious; who knew a dash of lime cordial with Baileys and vodka could be so delicious?

Around 2 am, I started getting belligerent.  Whenever I drink, it’s on.  I’ll fight or curse out anyone who gets in my way.  The bartender told me I was cut off and I guess I took it out on the nudey girls.  I started yelling things like, “I can smell your pussy from here!” and “Let us see some of that rice pudding!”

I was promptly thrown out of the club and asked never to return.  I feel kind of bad about harassing those nudey girls.  I’m not even lesbian; I just wanted to get involved like the other patrons.  This morning I wrote the nudey girls an apology note.  It read: “I’m sorry I disrespected you.  I don’t know why I referred to your vages as rice-pudding.  Good luck with your dancing.  I’m on your side.”

Anyhow, I’m going on vacation for awhile.  Wish me luck.

1. The Hazards of Spelling Backwards

Scaffolders in London’s Leicester Square were attempting to put up a giant sign for the opening of Will Smith’s new film, Hancock.  But they decided to spell from the end.  Unfortunately, they got tired and decided to give it a rest after putting up “Cock.”  Some people were offended.  I love it.

2. Florida Is Trying To Build A Homeless People’s Soccer League

Anthony Lyons, the manager of the Gainsville Community Redevelopment Agency, decided it would be a great idea to get all the homeless people together to form a soccer league.  He even purchased uniforms and cleats.  Lyons said he wanted the homeless feeling “healthier and more confident.”  The only problem is that no homeless people want to be in the league.  Lyons recruited from local shelters, trying to generate interest in the league, but the homeless people seemed ungrateful and far more interested in where they would sleep and eat that night.  One of them even had the nerve to say he would prefer to be looking for a job rather than playing soccer.  Personally, I don’t know how they could turn down this offer.  I mean, aren’t they watching the Euro Cup right now?  Homeless people have zero passion.  They bug me.

3. HURL: The Latest Reality TV Show

There’s always a new and exciting reality TV show to look forward to.  This one’s no exception.  HURL will feature contestants feeding on everything from peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to halibut sushi.  Then they’ll be put into a spinning machine.  The last person to throw up wins money.  How great is that?  Too bad my penis was cut off in a factory explosion; otherwise, I could have been in a frat in college.  Then I would have had a real shot at winning this thing.

4. Fucking, Austria Wants To Stay

Fucking is a village in Austria made up of a bunch of Fuckers.  Recently some Fucking residents wanted the village’s name changed because tourists are constantly stealing the town’s Fucking signs.  However, in a 4 to 936 defeat, the town of Fucking will keep its Fucking name.  Good for Fucking, Austria, right?  By the way, are you a motherfucker if you give birth there?  That’s awesome.

5. Sorry Men, No More Thong Jogs

Police in Nebraska recently arrested a man for jogging on a bike trail while he was donning a sexy thong.  He was booked on indecent exposure and told he’d have to cover up the next time he wanted to burn some cals.  I wish more men would wear thongs.  I’m looking for a man who will cook for me while wearing a red slingshot.  Ladies, what other household chores would you like to see a thonged man perform?

The wonderful Joebecca sent me this a couple of weeks ago, and I tried to let it go.  I wanted to keep this new secret all to myself because it’s changed my life.  I’ve even lost 4 pounds since using it.  But I’m a compassionate person, so I feel it’s best to extend it to all of you.

Here it is: Subtle Butt

The directions are easy:

____________________

I thought it was a joke at first, but it’s not.  Here it is at drugstore.com - carbon technology at its finest.  Now you can pass gas in public and feel good about yourself.

God Bless America.

Here’s me with one of my sister wives and our husband, Dale.  I’m on the right, and I got to have my dog, Joseph Jr., in the picture.

I didn’t grow up in Utah or anything like that, but I did bring some Boone’s Strawberry Hill over the state line once, so I was put in a holding cell with a minor in possession charge (I was only 13). 

They offered me the option of either paying a 142 dollar fine or getting married to an aging Mormon man named Dale.  I’m not saying I’m cheap or anything, but there was no fucking way I was parting with my summer babysitting money.  I was saving up for some new jelly shoes for the 8th grade dance in the fall, and I needed that cash. 

So I agreed to be Dale’s bride and lover.

I had four other sister wives, Sherry Dean, Aunt Maple, Constance Marie, and Shorty.  You can see Sherry Dean in the picture.  She’s the head wife, and she dictated our hair styles.  She even trimmed the hair on our lips.

Since I was the youngest and hottest wife, all I mostly had to do was cradle Dale’s nads and wear cut off pencil skirts around the house.  I did have some chores like dressing up in my mother-in-law’s wedding gown and helping Dale construct and paint his diorama of Temple Square, but it wasn’t too strenuous.  I really wanted Dale to get us another wife, a sister-bitch or someone who would do all the chores so we could lay around and watch Maury, but Dale said we couldn’t get another wife until juvenile hall filled up with runaways.  That was usually in the spring.

After I gave birth to the twins, Dale bought me a giant puzzle of the prophets and some new undergarments.  Imagine this:

But with lots of lace.  Plus, mine was a wire thong in the back, so it was really sexy.

We named the boys Uchtdorf and M. Russell.  I really liked these boys, so it was upsetting for me when Uchtdorf was caught cheating at LDS Bingo and had to be held in an open air cage outside the temple.  Eventually we agreed to give him to the church to raise, but every time I looked at M. Russell, I got sad, so after a while, I gave him to the church too.  I told Dale they were away at camp, and he never questioned me. 

When I turned 15, I got tired of Mormon life.  Dale said we weren’t attentive enough to him, and he took away the TV, so we had to find other ways of amusing ourselves.  It’s true I did get pretty good at calligraphy and stain removing, but I was tired of my hairstyle.

One night after dinner, I opened up my fortune cookie and it read: “Be humble.  Nothing you do will be as great as what Christ did.”

This fortune really bothered me.  I mean, did Jesus ever take advanced calligraphy at the LDS Learning Adjunct like I did?  Did he ever create a petting zoo in his backyard like Sherry Dean did for all our children?  Did he ever make a temple out of sugar cubes like Shorty or weight train like Constance Marie?  I didn’t think so.

So I left.  I managed to sneak inside our neighbor’s truck, and then I jumped out at the Chevron station near the border.  I made it to freedom, and I never looked back.

Sometimes I miss my sister-wives and Dale, but then again, not really.

1. Surprise Guests In Your Closet

A homeless woman in Japan lived in some random guy’s closet for over a year.  She was finally caught when he lost some weight and had to dig out his size lowers.  He found the human moth ball sleeping on his cashmere sweaters and called the police.  She was arrested and charged with trespassing, but next week she’ll appear on TLC’s show, “What Not To Wear.”

2. Getting High On Your Pet’s Meds

A guy from Iowa is suspected of being high on his Jack Russell terrier’s anti-depressants, causing him to crash his car into a utility pole.  He claims not to know what was really going on, and police admit it’s common for people to mistake medications.  But everyone is avoiding the real question: Why is Karl, his terrier, depressed?  Can we talk about that?  I’m worried about Karl.  Not only is he depressed, but he’s not getting the treatment he needs.  I just wish he would open up.

3. Fire Balls!

Usually I’m all for it when a guy lights my crotch on fire, but in this case it didn’t work out so well.   When three dudes from San Luis Obispo, CA. were partying hard and one of them passed out drunk, the other two decided it would be a really funny practical joke to set his crotch on fire.  The passed out guy suffered second degree burns on his testicles.  The two practical jokers were arrested and will now have to pay for a new pair of gonads for their near-eunuch pal.  

4. Teachers Working Overtime for Their Students

A 25-year-old teacher in Australia asked her 15-year-old student to make her his sex slave as she pinched his nipples in the backseat of her Commodore Executive.  She was charged with all sorts of indecent acts including penetrating a minor.  I know my male readership will be outraged by this sort of thing.  It’s wrong for any hot adult woman to demand sexual domination from anyone let alone a nubile teenage boy.  Everyone knows teenage boys come to school to learn, not to have their nipples twisted.

5. Hot, Wet Shoe Fetish

 A really weird guy was going around Cinncinati squirting women’s shoes with salt water from a syringe.  He was caught and arrested, but not before he assaulted a woman’s footwear with his symbolic jizz.

Here’s his picture:

He looks the way I would look if he’d assaulted my shoes.  Apparently, he crept under a table at the library and squirted the woman’s pumps.  She was horrified.  This reminds me of the time I was at the library in college, and I masturbated to Igor Stravinsky’s ”The Rites of Spring” in the classical music section.  I don’t know why it reminds me of that time; it just does.

This is what I’m wearing to graduation tomorrow.  It’s been really hot here in California, and I have to sit through the high school graduation ceremony to watch my students get their diplomas.  I like that it’s colorful and ventilated, and it will show off my toned cheeks.  I’ve been doing squats for like two days to get ready to rock this outfit.

What do you think?

Many of you have been discussing the women’s softball world series.  Over on The Putdown, Andy discussed whether it’s valid to watch.  I read an article on Deadspin this weekend about the ladies and their softballs.  So I was inspired to test out a theory I have - the team with the best looking people will win.  Psychologists have always argued that better looking people have more success in life, so let’s test it out.

We’re starting with the top three seeded team’s pitchers.  I give you the starter and her back up.  Based on this shallow math, you decide who will win.  We shall continue with the other seeds and positions in the coming weeks.

#1 Seed - Florida

Stacey Nelson - Junior

Stacey’s long list of academic and athletic accomplishments makes me feel sleepy.  She’s done so much.  And she even loves animals.

Here is her backup:

Stephanie Brombacher - Freshman

Stephanie was named Florida’s Dairy Pitcher of the Year in 2005.  That sounds nice.

#2 Seed - U.C.L.A.

Anjelica Seldon - Senior

Anjelica’s list of awards is really over-the-top.  She goes by “Jeli” and doesn’t mess around.

Here is her backup:

Whitney Baker - Sophomore

Whitney enjoys sewing and knitting.

#3 Seed - Alabama

Kelsi Dunne - Freshman

She’s only a freshman, and she’s kind of dominant.  Kelsi enjoys community service, and her brother is a police officer, so you’d better watch what you say about her.

Here is her backup:

Crissy Owens - Senior

Crissy has nice teeth, and 97 out of 104 of her family members are pro athletes.  Or something like that.  Truthfully, there’s like 27 pitchers for Alabama, and I don’t really know who starts and who’s the backup, but whatever.  I never said the info would be solid.

** It’s a tough call, but I’m going with Alabama for the upset.