Team Of The Week (5/14)
This college geology teacher and youth soccer coach is accused of binding, blindfolding, gagging, and suspending young boys from the rafters in his garage. Coach Kaplan claims he was just using innovative techniques to train his soccer team. I totally get it because I’ve played soccer all my life and once I had this coach who insisted on whipping me in his cellar whenever I missed penalty kicks. It really helped me to appreciate the game.
2. Couples Who Make Meth Together Stay Together
A Lafayette couple is accused of setting up their meth lab love nest in a rental duplex undergoing repairs. They even changed the locks and had their mail delivered there. I am rooting for this couple. Sure, they broke into someone’s property to set up their meth lab, but their place had a lot of charm - lots of antique-looking spoons around. Plus, they only sold to ugly neighbor kids, so no big deal.
This is the best public service tool ever! Let’s hear it for the Minnesota Family Council, which is calling people at random to urge them against wild anal sex and other deviant acts like “rimming.” Please click on this link, where you can even hear the call on youtube. It’s terrific. Nothing like a late night anti-wild butt sex call to freak out your 8 year-old.
You don’t quit your mariachi band unless you want to get whacked chollo-style. Everyone knows mariachi bands = mexican mafia. Alvaro Alvarado-Amarias held his bandmate, Elvey Ruiz, at gunpoint for 5 hours because he wanted to quit the band. If the police hadn’t arrived before Alvie could put the hit on Elvie, there’d be one trumpet player sleeping with los pescados.
5. Telling Your Judge To Suck It
A man in Novia Scotia literally told the judge at his trial to “suck it.” Ok, to be fair, he didn’t demand oral pleasure, he simply asked if the judge would want to give him some, but still . . . how awesome is that? As Joel Arseneau, 40, was being escorted from the courtroom for his lewd conduct, he even managed to one-up himself by inquiring whether the court clerk would like to see his genitals. I think he was very polite about all of this. I don’t get why they’re ordering a psychiatric evaluation of him.
May 15, 2008 at 7:45 am
“There’d be one trumpet player sleeping with los pescados”
Almost as good as anal, oral anal sex. 
What the…
Nice.
May 15, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I knew those Mariachi bands were all part of a drug running scheme. How do you think they get those sweet sweet sounds out of those novelt sized instruments? They’re packed with China white. I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense to have China white in Mexico, but you see this all goes further than you think.
May 15, 2008 at 4:49 pm
You know, this has to be my favorite blog on WordPress. Awesome.
And I’m totally calling Minnesota to tell them about that time a girl let me put it in her booty. What’s wrong with that? She can’t get pregnant and I don’t have to wear a condom! Aside from the erosion of her sphincter, it’s win/win!!
May 15, 2008 at 6:37 pm
About the cold calling… Where do I sign up to get these halarious calls???
Thomas
May 15, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Someone should introduce Alvaro Alvarado-Amarias to Sanford Kaplan. I think the two of them would make a helluva team!
And uh, geist0- careful there with the booty bouncing. Wearing a condom can prevent a nasty urinary tract infection for you…..at the very least. Nothing against it, just play safe, my friend!
May 16, 2008 at 12:16 am
Haha, I love when a Canadian makes me proud…I too think he should be applauded….like he’s paving the way for defendants who might like to branch-out ,and bring the sexy dating-game into the courtroom…and from what I could tell the judge wasn’t even hot, so he should take what he can get and call the court to recess!
May 16, 2008 at 2:21 am
see Romi? look what Canadians do. Idle time is the Devil’s workshop.
Anyway Andrea, as if my mom calling me at 11pm warning me about eternal damnation for sodomy…I could get a pre-recorded message? Shoot, by the time I’m done listening, the lube has gone dry.
May 16, 2008 at 3:25 pm
I was hung upside down from the rafters once for listening to late night anti-wild butt sex calls.
May 16, 2008 at 7:08 pm
From the linked article, but quoted out of context.
A Lincoln soccer coach, arrested on charges that he assaulted children, and held them against their will has bonded out of jail….
numerous young boys were bound, blindfolded, gagged and suspended from the rafters of Kaplan’s garage at 14647 Country Lane. “It was portrayed as a game, the juveniles were told to escape from the bindings,” says Sheriff Wagner.
I believe this is called “mentoring.” With the training from the 57-year-old coach, these lads will be able to “bond” out of jail when their turn comes long before they reach the age of 57. Each generation clearly improves on the one before.
No telling what I would do if I quoted in context.
May 16, 2008 at 7:16 pm
A Lafayette couple is suspected of breaking into a rental duplex undergoing maintenance on the city’s south end and setting up a methamphetamine lab….
<i<Each was being held Tuesday in the Tippecanoe County Jail on a $25,000 surety bond.
[Not having been mentored by the coach, these dimwits don't even know how to bond out of jail.]
Inside, Lafayette police found personal property and mail in the names of Lowe and Eylens.
[I presume the coach mentors his lads not to leave their calling cards at their crime scenes. What good are national educational tests if they don't even test future criminals on basic skills such as this?]
May 16, 2008 at 7:17 pm
And I can’t even insert an italic code properly while I’m at it. No wonder my wife bonded out of my embraces if I don’t even know how to insert my italic.
May 16, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Isn’t there some national law against unwanted phone call that creates a The National Do-Not-Call List
Oh, excuse me. That law bans cold calls pushing penny stocks and vinyl siding for your house. These aren’t cold halls. These are hot calls. That’s OK, then. Bring them on and let them in.
May 16, 2008 at 7:37 pm
I don’t get why they’re ordering a psychiatric evaluation of him.
When was the last time you saw a psychiatrist having fun? Spread the love!
May 17, 2008 at 7:02 pm
modestypress tired me out… who’s got a smoke?
May 18, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Ok, number 3 is friggin hilarious - why don’t we get helpful govt calls like that in Australia?