Team Of The Week (4/22)

1.  No More Cheese Smuggling

In an effort to step up national security, cheese is now considered a weapon of mass destruction, so you can forget about trying to sneak it onto an airplane.  Last week, I was trying to get to Seattle, and they confiscated my string cheese tampons.  Next week I’m heading to New York.  Let’s see if they find my maxi pads stuffed with gouda.

2. Extreme Synchronized Swimming

Three synchronized swimmers from a Seattle area team nearly drowned while they were performing a routine.  One of the girls was “hanging on a rope,” when the coach noticed she had no color in her face.   Meanwhile, her two partners were at the bottom of the pool in a perfectly synchronized state of unconsciousness (they earned extra points).  It didn’t help that the team mother blacked out after breathing in too much chlorine.  Could you imagine being dragged to your cousin’s boring synchronized swim meet and seeing this action?  Awesome.

3. The “UGLY GIRLS NEED NOT APPLY” Club

At St. Patrick’s College (high school) in Australia, there is a ranking system for the top 21 hottest high school juniors.  They even wear wristbands identifying their rank in hotness.  The elite group of teens is appropriately dubbed “Club 21,” and membership activities include “sleeping around, binge drinking, and drug taking.”  When I was in high school, we had to write essays and do math.  We weren’t even allowed to smoke cigarettes at lunch.  This is some bullshit.  I didn’t even think to form of union of sluttiness and boozing.  Damn.

4. Hey Sex Offenders: Uncle Sam WANTS YOU!

Due to the low number of enrollement in the US Military, we’ve come up with the genius idea of recruiting criminals and sex offenders to serve in this time of war.  The felons will be our front line of attack, but the only problem is that if they get close enough to the Iraqi insurgents, they have to introduce themselves and give their unit number and location.  Not even Uncle Sam trumps Megan’s Law.

 5. Great New School Fundraiser Ideas: Slutty PTA Moms

Mothers in Spain posed for an erotic calender in an effort to raise money for their children’s school.  One mother was pictured wearing only tinsel while another was covered by a rugged fox pelt.  Another mother posed holding only a chalkboard eraser and a glue gun in a tribute to education.  The only problem . . . everyone was too grossed out to buy it.