Team Of The Week (4/14)

1. New York Yankees Say Nope to Pope

The Pope will celebrate mass in Yankee Stadium Sunday, but the Yankees said his pope-mobile is NOT allowed to drive on their grass.  The Pontiff said he will respond by doing wheelies in the infield.  To smooth things over, A-Rod agreed to take batting practice shortly before the mass, and the Pope will delight the crowd by making several spectacular outfield catches. 

2. Making Stuff Up And Getting Paid For It

Last year I went to Chile, and I was totally lost.  I kept looking for an underground sex club where my Lonely Planet said they use props like 40 pound cheese wheels and bacon grease.  Now I know why I was lost - the place never existed.  An author of a bunch of Lonely Planet guide books has confessed to making up information about countries; in some cases, he never even visited the country.  He said he got his info from chicks he was dating - hot, compulsive liar chicks who like llamas.

3. Swapping Your Faulty Baby-Maker For A Goat

A Bulgarian farmer recently swapped his barren wife for a female goat.  Stoil Panayotov was fed up with his wife Elena, so he swapped her for a neighbor’s 8 year-old goat in front of a “stunned” crowd.  I’m pulling for Stoil and his goat to make a nice life for themselves.  I hope they have some kids.

4. Push-Up Bras Are Now On Sale for 7 Year-Olds

 

Guess what Romi?  Now we have to compete with 7 year-olds.  That’s right.  Retail stores in England are selling “bust-boosters” for girls in the 7 to 8 year-old range.  I’m not ok with this.  I was in a training bra until last year when my Visa rewards finally allowed me enough points to get a boob job (courtesy of some sketchy Visa doctor, but whatever), and now I’ve got to have a dance war with some chesty 2nd grader in da clubs?  I’m not ok with that.   

5. Students Rub Each Other To Boost Test Scores

Schools in Liverpool are doing away with bad behavior by getting the young students to rub each other.  That’s right.  Students participate in 20 minute massage “sessions” twice a week and are instructed to make use of a special room called “The Quiet Place,” where aromatic oils and special music creates a relaxing mood.  I’ve been using my “Quiet Place” for the last few years now at work.  It’s actually the janitor’s closet, and instead of aromatic oils, I use amonia to get in touch with myself, but still . . . not one of my colleagues has ever offered to rub me.  I think it would make a huge difference.