Chris Brown Helped Me Write My Marriage Vows!

As you all know, I’m getting married soon.  I’m so excited. 

The only thing is, my fiance suggested we write our own marriage vows.  I’m really nervous about this because I’m a perfectionist, and I really want them to be great. 

Because I’m a huge 48 Hours Mystery fan, I thought I’d write a cute poem about how I’d never kill my husband.  It went like this,

I will never inject poisin into your butt,/ I will never shoot you while you’re sleeping if we’re in a rut./ I will never take out an insurance policy against you and then kill you in your sleep,/ If you cheat on me, I will never frame your slutty, good-for-nothing whore lover, for our love is too deep./ I will never hire hitmen to do you in;/ If you are murdered, my darling, neither of us win.

I thought it was a really lovely poem, but my fiance didn’t like it.  He suggested I enlist the help of people who really know what they’re doing - people like the successful and famous R&B artist Chris Brown. Here’s a photo that Chris gave me. I keep it in my wallet.

Chris said that with a little tweaking, his song “Poppin’” would be perfect for my marriage vows. 

Here’s what we came up with:

My fiance will say to me:

Say what yo name is. Ooh yeah that fits you girl. Tell me where you headed. Can I walk with you girl? You got that look in yo eyes, that look like you give yo boy a here good ol’ time. And I’m on it girl, that’s right I’m on it girl.

See this is the first time I had a girl whose looks set me on fire. I’m really tryna get to know you better girl, You ain’t gotta act like you shy. Cause we gon do, sumthing. Sumthing is gon get, done. And we gon get, crunk. And have a lot of, fun.

Shawty, shawty, You be wearing yer hair. You be working that veil. You be talking that talk just I-I-like I like it. You keep it on and popping. Shawty keep it on and popping. Ooh, oooh, ooh, yeah.

Then I’ll say to him:

Umh, Umh, let me tell you I tryna keep my swagger, but you bout to have me boy. Jump through about four or five hoops of, ooh baby. Let’s take it to the hood so the people can see you boy. Oh yes you mean and vicious the way you switchin’. Now I say Ooooooooooooooh, oooooooooooooooooh, Ooh, oo, ooh, ooo, oooh, ooo, oooh. You make me feel like a winner. I wanna say Ooh, oo, ooh, oooh, ooooooh, ooooooooooooooooh, oooooooooooh. Let me put my hand around your waist while the background sing Ooooooh, ooooo, oooooooooh, ooooh, ooo, oooh. Cause we gon do sumthing, Sumthing is gon get done. Oooooh, ooooo, ooooh, oooooh, ooo, ooooh. I’m bout to have a fit, Cause you’re my number 1.

Tall boy, tall boy. You be wearin yer hair with da gel. You be working dat tux. You be talking that vow talk just I-I-like I like it. You keep it on and popping. Tall boy, keep it on and popping. Ooh, oooh, oooh yeah. Tall boy, Tall boy the way you wearing that top hat got this girl so hot. Ain’t no mistaking, playing, or faking. You got me here and waiting, and popping. Talkin all this marriage pop pop poppin talk. Oooooh, ooooh, oooooooooooooh.
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To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what any of these things mean, but I still think it’s absolutely lovely. Chris assured me that it would be perfect for my wedding. Thank you Chris Brown. I sure owe you one.